Birthing Brave (My Birth Story)
On February 12, 2020, at 41 weeks and 5 days I not only gave birth to our beautiful daughter Brave, but I also birth a new chapter for myself; Motherhood. On Tuesday the 11th at 1 am I started having contracting that was less than 5 minutes apart. Like I stated earlier in a past post I was experiencing prodromal labor for weeks so at first, I thought nothing of my contractions. When 4 am rolled around and I noticed my contractions were getting stronger and closer I finally decided this is the real thing! Chris and my grandma woke up and begin to prep the apartment for my home birth. We lit the candles on my altar and we prepared for our journey.
Around 7 am I finally called my birth doula and soul sister Anna to help support me. My contractions were getting stronger but still manageable, and my spirits were at an all-time high. I moved through a variety of positions to open myself up and increase the sensations of birth. We listen to my bomb ass playlist I made and Chris and I slowed danced while Anna massaged me during contractions. I felt myself getting overwhelmed with emotions. I could not believe this day was finally here. After experiencing a miscarriage last January it was hard to trust some times that I would meet my baby at the end of all this. During my whole pregnancy, I felt fearful and hopeful at the same time. Now we finally were here! I felt so supported and grounded, most of all I felt connected to Chris and grateful for our little baby we would soon meet. After several hours I decided it was best for me to try rest and sent my doula home. My midwife stopped by to check in on me and to my surprise, I asked to be checked.
Before my birth, I was against having cervical exams. I did not want to get caught up in numbers and wanted to surrender to whatever my body needed to do. After contracting for more than 15 hours I begin to get curious where I was in this process. That’s the thing about birth. It’s extremely unpredictable. I went into this process feeling sure about what I wanted and what I did not want, but once the sensations of labor kicked in and I got caught up in my head I found myself drifting away from my ideas, and excepting what I needed in the current moment. I learned I was 3cm and 70% effaced. I thought hearing 3cm would make me feel hopeless but actually it helped me to regroup and pace myself. Labor is a marathon and it looked like I signed up for the long haul.
By 1 AM after 24hrs of labor, I begin to hit my first wall. My midwives and doula joined me again for the second time. I asked to be check again after seeing some bloody show and learned I was 6-7cm. I labored all through the night. My contractions were so intense and I was exhausted. I felt like bursting through my skin. I banged on the walls, yelled out loud and had so many thoughts of giving up. I kept asking myself what are you trying to prove by having a home birth? Why the fuck did I sign up for this?! Give me the epidural now! I even suggested to my birth team we should go to the hospital. Something they all knew I obviously didn’t mean. I went back and forth in my mind between my doubts and praying to god and my honorable ancestors to see me through this and give me the power to continue. My midwife kept reminding me that I can do this and I am doing this. During this time I couldn’t help but think about my mother. My mother always shared her birth story with me. She was 13 years old when she had me. She labored for several hours alone in her bathroom until her water broke. She told me about the doctor and nurses judging her once she made it to the hospital, they said inappropriate comments about her age and made her feel ashamed. She went through all this while birthing me without medication. I kept thinking to myself how in the hell did she do it under all those circumstances?! How did she do it with no support?! Her story gave me strength as I moved through contractions. It was my time to heal generational trauma. I come from a long line of teenagers having babies with no partner. Here I was birthing my baby that I planned and prayed for. I was surrounded by love, well taken care of, and my husband supported me every step of the way. So I continued on my journey, all hands were on deck. Anna squeezing my hips, Chris holding my hands, my midwife massaging my feet as I went through every contraction.
I would collapse sometimes after a big one I felt so drained!!! Finally, after pushing for 55 minutes and 30hrs of labor onI pushed Brave out in our bedroom. Chris grabbed her as she made her way out and placed her on my chest. Chris and my grandma cried tears of joy while I held my warm baby for the first time. I felt so overwhelmed and tired. I couldn’t believe I did it! I felt like I waited so long to meet my baby and here she was on my chest more beautiful than I ever could have imagined. We named her Brave Vasilika Konomi. She weighed 7 pounds and 13 ounces and was 21 inches long. She’s our beautiful rainbow baby and we are so in love with her. My birth ceremony was the hardest thing I’ve ever done!!!! I always imagined I would have this peaceful birth, and my body and baby would work together magically. Instead, I felt more like I had to go through the depths of hell to rebirth myself and bring my baby earthside. This doesn’t mean that my experience was bad, in fact, I feel very empowered. We as humans have conditioned ourselves to believe Pain is punishment, but pain can be liberating. Pain can teach you things about yourself and heal the trauma that lies within your soul.
My birth help me realize I am no doubt a badass! Not because I had a natural birth, but because I was able to push myself past my physical and emotional limits. After a while I silent my doubts and believed in my ability to bring my daughter into this world. I had no choice! Her only way out was through me. I learned a lot about myself through those 30hrs. I learned that I often give up on myself, but after my birth, I now know for a fact I can do it all!!! Literally I have the fucking power to accomplish all that I want and need! In the end, I’m grateful for all the support I received during my pregnancy and birth. My birth team made me feel safe and surrounded me with love the whole time. I know my pregnancy and birth ceremony will forever change how I support families with my doula work. Now the real journey begins, being Brave’s mama.